{10.10.23} hey are you today's date? because you're 10/10!! haha sorry i saw that twice today and thought it was silly. anyway you ever feel an intense guilt and sadness over a fictional character. me when uhhh me when people have valid criticisms of a character i really like D: send help actually. i feel so so gross kind of. i legitamitely cant handle people criticizing the stuff i like its such a huge problem im in so much pain rn. especially when they're right. yeah you know what volo is a shitty guy. i cant 'hes so babygirl' my way out of that. he tried to end the world. he fought a literal child over this. he is not a good guy. he is a villain. an antagonist. and i know that this doesn't stop me from being able to like him or find him attractive but i just... feel sick. i feel sick listening to music i used to enjoy upon the realization that, hey, the guy that made this or at least one of the guys that made this is an awful awful shitty person. i legitamitely cant listen to too much tally hall/ miracle musical anymore because it fills me with guilt. and those videos mocking tally hall's music make me feel sick to my stomach. looking at you BRAD. 'the whitest album ever' your name is brad YOU ARE THE WHITEST MAN EVER. i will never watch those videos i dont want to give that man views. also i think this is all some weird shit going on with my morals and how i percieve the world and stuff like how uhh how attached i get to things. my morals do some really weird stuff where one second i will be like 'oh my cod im an awful person for doing(thing that everyone does that yes it sucks but its human) im sososo disgusting i dont deserve to live the world sucks and if i like any morally bad characters that is a moral failing within me' and the next i will be 'NOTHING FUCKING MATTERS LETS GOOOO!!! IF I DISLIKE PEOPLE I WILL KILL THEMMMM!! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!! I CAN LIVE WITH NO REGARD FOR OTHERS!!!!!!!' which. both are very bad extremes. //this is part of the reason i think i might have some sort of mental disorder like bpd or something but i need to do more research on and its probably normal either way// anyway im still sick but getting better and my love of volo will not wane. oh also i have this character that i recently made and im getting more obsessed with him and i kind of. LIKE like him woops. my bad. my hand slipped and i drew some shit you would see on a body pillow. im going to hell for this and i will never show anyone. have a good day if ur reading this which i doubt anyone is but still !!!
{10.8.23} srry for not updating whoops, i had a lack of motivation to type here >.< its ok though cuz ive been doing pretty good actually! i'm a bit sick which sucks obviously but like, im mostly fine i just sneeze/have to blow my nose every 2 seconds :p btw ever since i started doing my volo shrine ive been getting really obsessed with him again which makes me rlly happy cuz i love him! idc if he isnt real he's my boyfriend,, my precious little babygirl,, my princess,, my pookie wookie,, my sugar plum, i love him so much. unfortunately i wanted to get the plushie of him cuz hes so cute and when i searched him up i realized that the lowest price i could get him was around 70 dollars which. my family would never let me spend that much on a little keychain dude. if anything 30 dollars but 70?? thats way too much,, its ok though i might learn how to crochet soon and i could make him!! my beloved little booboo bear <3 oh also also im going to spirit halloween later today :3 OH BTW I LEARNED HOW TO DRAW VOLO I THINK I FORGOT TO SAY THAT IM SO HAPPY!!
{10.3.23} tw self harm mention// sad part first actually i think doing it like this could make me remember the happy stuff better: so today really... sucked. that thing i mentioned about spanish class... yeah it didnt get better. i really dont understand why they dont seem to want me to work with them. also i had a algebra test and i really didnt know there would be one... i didnt study at all and im still so behind on it. that class alone has caused me like three mental breakdowns in the span of two-three months. and today i kind of broke down in class but i tried to stay quiet and unnoticable cuz theres rlly mean people there and i didnt want them giggling about me behind my back. basically i looked at the paper and realized i didnt understand half of what was on there (it was FOUR QUESTIONS i hate short tests theyre always designed to make you fail) and i started tearing up and they just kept flowing, i had to keep wiping my nose with my sleeve and some of the boogers got in my hair, thank cod they werent the chunky type, but i just kept sobbing for 20 mins straight trying not to cause a scene. nobody noticed i think they only heard my sniffles which could pass as me being sick. unfortunately at one point i let out a little whimper but i dont think anyone rlly heard. also i was resisting such a massive urge to stab myself with my pencil so i could go to the nurses office and get out of there. i dug my nails into my hand but they didnt break the skin or anything which i guess is good. i also considered literally just. chomping into my finger. which i am GLAD i didnt do. i still have little marks where i dug my nails into my hand but nobody noticed so yay. when my mom got home we had a crying session together and while i wasnt fully open with her i might be getting a tutor which will rlly help me im so excited (this kind of sounds sarcasting but im being fr) also my sister isnt gonna be home today :( happy part: phantoms came out in animal jam play wild! of course this happened late at night yesterday BUT still wanted to include it as i didnt yesterday. i immediately made a silly lil phantom gal and her name is dj spookyswag. love her. love the pollution metaphor things. i also drew her which i will post.. maybe... but not here. love animal jam so much oh my cod. also also uhhh people are so so nice. i love my silly online friends on my silly little discord servers im in. i love the nice people on tumblr. love it all!! phantoms are so so cool omg omg omgomgogomogm'11!!! oh my codtheyre so os so cool,, love them so much!
{10.2.23} happy part first: i looooove creating so much oh my cod oh my cod!! and i got the alien build a bear thingy im so happy i named it marz!!! :3 also uhhh im doing a writing assignment which is nice cuz i like writing! ok venty part: i actually dislike algebra so much it sucks SO BAD!! specifically algebra 2. its the only class i'm really struggling with when it comes to grades and i just. CANT find the motivation to do the work. i am so so tired tbh,, i have so many overdue assignments it makes my blood boil. also im kinda upset cuz the other day in my spanish class i had been working in a group with these people i thought seemed cool but then the next assignment we had, two of them asked the other girl to work together but not me and like :(( whats wrong with me why not me?? people make it sound so easy to make friends. "just reach out" "just talk to people" i TRY and the shame of trying to talk to people kills me or it just doesn't work. so for now i'm stuck being friends with the one person i have known almost my whole life (if i lose them too i will actually lose my mind) and this dumbass who i used to have a massive crush on. he is NOT all that omg what was wrong with me!! like yea hes a little bit cute i guess but thats where it all ends. he is so so immature and kinda mean. the only time im even able to befriend people its because my friend has befriended them and we start hanging out as a group. i can never do things on my own which. kinda sucks. and almost every time we make a new friend that person ends up being the shittiest person ever, being manipulative or more recently, hating me but loving the other friend apparently. i feel like IM always the one excluded and it makes me so so upset like aagain whats wrong with me specifically. i swear people love freaks and socially awkward people until they are ACTUALLY awkward and freaky and not just a little bit quirky and shy. ur only allowed to be shy and awkward if its watered down and ur cute/conventionally attractive